Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
sarcasm needs its own font
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
