I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
