dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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