She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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