Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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