My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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