Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
