I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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