Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
