don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
