this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
