you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
