She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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