everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
