you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
