I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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