Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize