I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
