Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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