3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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