totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
