my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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