what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
