If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
