Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
