i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
