the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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