So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
