I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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