dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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