I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
