i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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