Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
