Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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