just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The struggles of a small town man whore
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
