She said her name was "party"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need to calm my uterus...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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