I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
