I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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