I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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