I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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