and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
