So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
