Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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