I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
