Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
