the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
