if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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