So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
