I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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