If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
