Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
