Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
