We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
