You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
