Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
