After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize