Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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