Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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