I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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