Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
